It feels like demons treading daintily on the tissue of my brain again. The truth about who I really am is that I sometimes doubt. My peace is rarely serene, but, instead a safety net spread below a troupe of frantic acrobats trying to keep from screwing up the act and putting their job in jeopardy. My flesh and my appetite for so many things ungodly restrain my momentum to a stumbling, fatigued pace. The truth is that while I can understand the variables involved intellectually, my emotions, my fears, and my groundless desires sabotage my own feet as I walk along a path that is seemingly blanketed by fog.
On the other hand, scripture does indicate that God is greatest when we are at our weakest. Author Brennan Manning warns against placing too much weight in our own abilities to accurately assess our own spiritual progress. Because the truth, I guess, is that there is nothing to progress to. I cannot will myself to right. I cannot save myself.
So, I can realize God’s grace at a surface level, but, it isn’t resonating with me at this moment. I am still left with demon foot prints on my brain tissue.
Head ache Sin ache
Gave in to the other
Shooting up a hellish echo
It pulls me down
When my attention settles in
Sin that I am
Regret that I invited
Shrieking ring in the round
Drowned for the moment
Beneath the surface
Of His grace
My legs are uselessly weak after trying to kick free from this demon up to this very moment
The fork of my freedom remains
Her back to the Light that shines on the dark
The dark that has been redeemed by the Light
But, because I cried, “Lord, save me,”
“Immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand,”
He caught me
Though the demons goad me
Floating on a sea of grace
From Matthew 14:25 KJV
And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I, be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boysterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
The past still haunts me from time to time
My eyes drift away from His gaze
I feel my legs sinking below the surface
But, He went to such lengths to forgive
Here I stand too desensitized to notice
The me that catches my own backward glance
Is not the self that wrestles today
Lord God Almighty Christ
Infuse my muscles with enough holy power
To kick free from this wheezing demon
And dash forward carried by the fire of grace
Grant me the faith to not look back
But to love forward
I believe that it must have been easier to live as a Christian prior to modern times. There are so many distractions that divert our attention from what is real and true. I know that I am at my worst when prayer and devotion hasn’t been a high priority in my life. This is not to say that with prayer and devotion I am invincible. Far from it! But when I keep my eyes on Him who is invincible, my Faith is proven to have been well placed.
When He came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed Him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before Him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” He said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cured of his leprosy. Matthew 8:1-3
If you don’t believe in God, why are you so concerned with hashing out the idea that He doesn’t exist in a blog? I ask this knowing that the times in my past when I’ve most wanted to stand up for the perspective of atheistic life were times when my own conscience shivered – because something was touching a sensitive nerve buried deep in my soul. If God doesn’t exist and doesn’t matter, why not blog about something else?