It feels like demons treading daintily on the tissue of my brain again. The truth about who I really am is that I sometimes doubt. My peace is rarely serene, but, instead a safety net spread below a troupe of frantic acrobats trying to keep from screwing up the act and putting their job in jeopardy. My flesh and my appetite for so many things ungodly restrain my momentum to a stumbling, fatigued pace. The truth is that while I can understand the variables involved intellectually, my emotions, my fears, and my groundless desires sabotage my own feet as I walk along a path that is seemingly blanketed by fog.
On the other hand, scripture does indicate that God is greatest when we are at our weakest. Author Brennan Manning warns against placing too much weight in our own abilities to accurately assess our own spiritual progress. Because the truth, I guess, is that there is nothing to progress to. I cannot will myself to right. I cannot save myself.
So, I can realize God’s grace at a surface level, but, it isn’t resonating with me at this moment. I am still left with demon foot prints on my brain tissue.