“The Day I Tried To Live”

“Authentic prayer calls us to rigorous honesty, to come out of hiding, to quit trying to seem impressive, to acknowledge our total dependence on God and the reality of our sinful situation.” ~Brennan Manning, Devotions For Ragamuffins, Pp.8

My life, so far, has unfolded neatly in chapters. Starting almost precisely from the day that I graduated from high school in June 1994 and lasting for about the next five years, I experienced a dark chapter. It was a time characterized by my parents’ divorce, loved ones being incarcerated, loved ones passing away, the loss of our home and all possessions in a house fire, loneliness, depression, broken relationships, the consistent flow of alcohol, discovery of a brain tumor, subsequent treatment, and surgery. All of these things, however, proved to be secondary as contributing factors to a darkness that originated primarily from the fact that my back was turned to His love. Like many, I suppose, my college years were a time to shun morality for the sake of experience. Enemies and mistakes were made, time and opportunities were squandered, and sins were committed at a furious rate.

My soundtrack during those years consisted of a consistent flow of Nine Inch Nails, Soundgarden, R.E.M., Faith No More, and Social Distortion. One Soundgarden song in particular stung my cold-encased and numb soul with piercing relevance at that time. It was just recently that I was playing some of my old dusty CD’s when “The Day I Tried To Live” (from Superunknown) and the circumstances of that time bubbled back to the surface of my memory. Juxtaposed against a retrospective view of the journey I’ve made since that time, the song lyrics still retain a ring of relevance, but, from a different perspective. Regardless, the truth is the same from any angle.

Soundgarden front-man and songwriter Chris Cornell’s lyrics intertwine good intentions with frustration and, perhaps unwittingly, the truth of God. He hit the nail on the head when he observed that life is a viscous cycle of meaninglessness and futility. Nobody is good. But, in recognizing how broken we are, the reality that we are liars and the fact that we have “wallowed in the mud with all the other pigs,” we have the opportunity to accept God’s grace and be freed from the “one more time around” mindset.

I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads

The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggars change
And gave it to the rich

The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch

One more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live

Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones inside your head
The lives we make never seem
To ever get us anywhere but dead

The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

I woke the same as any other day you know
I should have stayed in bed

The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs

And I learned that I was a liar
Just like you

Music & Lyrics: Chris Cornell

4 thoughts on ““The Day I Tried To Live”

  1. Isn’t it such a relief though to be able to look back at wasted time and opportunities through a new set of eyes? Where some might view their past actions regrettably, I glance back, and am thankful that those times are just that “in the past”.

    Psalm 103:12 (KJV)
    As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

    Grace and peace be with you.

  2. Thanks Christopher. That is really where I find myself at, for the first time. I’m learning to appreciate some of the consequences of my past in the light of His unmerited favor. Its unbelievable how wonderful His mercy is once one gets a taste of the real power of grace.

  3. It is great when we can find truth in expected places. I look back on my college years with a mixture of regret and amazement. Regret over turning my back on God and amazement that He never turned His back on me. God is good.

  4. Pistol: So glad to see your comment today. Your comment is synonymous with my experience. I graduated from high school expecting to attend an Adventist college to major in Theology and become a pastor. Selfish aspirations for darker things derailed that plan. Thanks for visiting!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s